Mother's Day

I've been thinking about my mom lately for multiple reasons. I keep having these little moments of gratitude for the way she raised me and the things she taught me, as well as a need to forgive her. Honestly, this isn't easy for me. It's not a secret that we've had our differences. I still sense a lot of resistance in myself to letting it all go. I have very strong feelings about her and my childhood. I am hard on her, even if not altogether outwardly so. Internally I hold her to a high standard, just as I do myself. Maybe even more so. Perhaps it's because she is my mom and she's supposed to be stronger than me; she's supposed to be this person up on a pedestal just for simply being my mom. I realize this isn't fair. She is just as human as I or anyone else is.

As much as she frustrates me, I believe behind all the gunk and clutter of our experiences throughout my life I truly want the best for her, just as she does for me. I wish more for her. I wish her financial stability and health. I wish for her a realization she hasn't quite found yet. I wish for her healing. I wish for her the love and companionship that I wasn't able to fulfill by her standards. I wish for her peace. I wish for her everything that I've been trying so hard to work towards, to achieve, to find.

Above and beyond all of the pain, the disagreements, the shortcomings I am grateful for her. I am grateful for all of these things that came from her being my mom.

*She's taught me the importance of family, of being there for each other through thick and thin no matter what.
*She's taught me to try new things and expand my horizons.
*She's taught me acceptance. Acceptance of people, of places, and of experiences.
*She's taught me how to be strong.
*She's taught me to never settle for less than I deserve.
*She's taught me to always stand up for myself.
*She's taught me generosity and the power of giving.
*She's taught me manners - plain and simple.
*She's taught me "common sense."
*She's taught me to be smart and to use my mind.
*She's taught me to be open-minded.
*She's taught me empathy and concern for others. "Do unto others as you'd have done to you."
*She's taught me the difference between right and wrong.
*She's taught me respect for other people and for things.
*She's taught me to take care of everything in my possession and to take pride in the things that belong to me.
*She's taught me that if I borrow something and I break it or lose it, it is my responsibility to replace it.
*She's taught me the wonders of Mother Nature and caring for animals.
*She's taught me to take pride in the work that I do.
*She's taught me the importance of remembering our family's ancestors.
*She's taught me to cherish memories.
*She's taught me that heirlooms are irreplaceable and worth hanging onto.
*She's taught me to never give up.
*She's taught me how to find humor even in the darkest moments.
*She's taught me to have an open heart.

She's taught me these things and so much more. She's taught me things that I'm unable to put into words. She's shaped who I am today. She laid the foundation for my life good and bad. I wouldn't be here or where I am if it weren't for her. We may have our differences, and that may never completely change, but I appreciate her and everything she's taught me. I admit growing up I spent a lot of time wishing she weren't my mother, but I'm becoming more and more proud that she is. I realize that I could have had it so much worse.

I miss my family. I miss my deceased grandparents. I miss the way things used to be. I miss the mom I had during my childhood. I know we all change as people, our lives and circumstances change, but I feel like I've lost my family. I don't want to lose her, too.